All Hail Stupid Birthday Presents
by Fyrshi
Summary: Erwin and Hange make a drunken bet that results in an... interesting... turn of events. Hange may or may not have recruited Eren for their amusement, and Levi may or may not murder them afterwards, but that's not really important. What is important, though, are the poor people (and titan) involved in all this mess... [AKA 'Levi Not Amused'; Crack; Rated T for Profanities?]


_**A/N: **Originally, I had only hosted this on AO3 because I was too lazy to migrate it over here... but after being bored for half the evening, I decided to move it onto here anyway. Anyhow, here's a crack fic for all, which came about because of my friends, our usual crazy conversations, and a challenge to write a crazy story regarding a certain man holding a certain awkward object. Please don't take this seriously; I did not write this seriously and I don't mean to offend anyone with my crass sense of humour._

_So, apart from the necessary 'I do not own the SnK characters; Hajime Isayama does' and the obligatory **no warning apply, except for crackish humour**, I think we're all set to go~_

_Happy not-birthday, Heichou._

* * *

><p>"Hangë… are you sure this is going to work?" The young man gulped nervously as he clutched tighter onto the odd object in his arms and stared at the officer, whose maniacal grin was evident in the pale light of the stars.<p>

"Trust me on this, Eren." A friendly hand draped itself over Eren's shoulders, before Hangë spoke again. "He's going to love it."

"But—"

"If that doesn't get the stick out of his arse, then nothing will." Hangë deadpanned, before they ruined it by grinning from ear-to-ear again. "And besides, I'd like to win the bet that I had with Erwin for once in my life."

"Still—"

"Eren, let's go before someone catches you outside of your designated cellar, okay?"

Before Hangë's words had completely left their mouth, Eren found himself confronted with a pair of rather shiny spectacles and an equally-shiny grin. Although the sight would've been enough to render him catatonic for the next month, the words that issues out of said grin were a far better incentive to resist the urge to succumb to his imminent heart-attack, though.

And so it was that Eren did what he had been commanded to do, with an audibly nervous gulp and a few stuttering steps towards the inert lump before him.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Mornings were horrible for Levi, and waking up to a freezing winter wonderland was even worse for the Lance Corporal's mood. Instead of his usual spew of mild profanities, the unfortunate members of the Scouting Legion were subjected to the full force of his unchecked swearing, which coloured the cold stone halls with such foul language that a few new recruits swooned from the sounds of it. Clearly, the Scouting Legion was not one for the faint-hearted members of the human race.

He had received a horrible night's sleep, thanks to some sort of whispering that had occurred right outside his window –he knew he wasn't the only one with mild forms of insomnia, but at least they could've _tried_ to be a little quieter with their arguing– and he was in no particular mood to tolerate the shenanigans of the idiots who claimed to be in the same division as he was in. However, before he could do anything much to relieve the tight coil of stress inside, a brown blur barrelled into his chest and, with a rather loud grunt, he and the excited thing fell to the floor in a heap.

It took him about half a second to realize that having a slavering dog on his chest would've been more preferable to the crazed person hovering above him.

"Levi, Levi!" Hangë yelled in his face, and the aforementioned Lance Corporal was almost sure that his ears were going to detach from his head at any moment now and run off screaming into a dusty corner. "You've got to come outside and—"

"Hangë, could you get the _fuck_ off me and spray your spittle on someone else's dehydrated face?" Levi interrupted with a growl, and Hangë hastened to comply; after all, it wasn't as if they had an imminent death wish that involved being slowly tortured by the angry man. "Now, before you shit in your pants from excitement, could you tell me what's going on in a _normal_ tone of voice, or do I need to get you a translator for your gibberish?"

When they'd emphatically shaken their head in response and made no further attempts to speak, Levi was almost tempted to draw his fist back and punch Hangë in the face, disgusting gore be damned. However, before he could act on his violent yet seemingly-satisfying urge, he found his hand grasped in a sweaty palm and, in no time at all, he was being dragged outside… straight into the shitty clumps of snow that he'd been intent on avoiding since he woke up in the morning.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Levi hated the cold just about as much as he hated constipation, but this was taking things to a whole new level.

Usually, when the Lance Corporal decided to make a trip outside in winter, he would make sure that none of his body parts would be in imminent danger of being frozen to death. This would involve painstakingly wrapping anything and everything around his extremities, from his face to his fingers and even to his crotch, so that nothing would have to be amputated from frostbite. Of course, it made him look like an undergrown child (not to mention how overprotective his 'mother' must've been to wrap him in so many layers), but it worked wonders when it came to keeping out the cold and Levi liked being warm, thank you very much.

This was probably why Levi nearly bit his tongue off from his intense shivering as soon as he'd been dragged outside by his scatterbrained colleague.

"Isn't it glorious outside today, Levi?" Hangë positively beamed at his murderous-looking face as they chirped out the most stupid nonsense Levi had ever heard; he suspected that they were taking great delight in his irrepressible misery, though he was careful to keep that particular thought to himself. "Well, since it was such a fine day, everyone's decided to eat breakfast outside! Come on, you _have_ to see the decorations that we've organized for everyone!"

"T-This is bullshit…" Levi huffed shakily, while he tore his hand from Hangë's overly enthusiastic grip and proceeded to rub his arms as much as he could. "I f-fucking demand to eat i-indoors. It's s-so cold outside that m-my balls will fucking f-freeze if I stay out here for a m-moment longer and my p-piss will turn even h-harder than my shit i-if I was stupid enough t-to take a leak outside."

"No can do!" Hangë happily sang, before the idiot latched onto his quivering collar and proceeded to drag him through the snow, amidst stuttered protests and a copious amount of profanities. "Come on, you're going to _love_ what Eren made for you, and you're going to miss out if you don't look!"

Now, as much as Levi loved the shitty brat to bits –not that he'd admit it aloud, of course, unless it was in the loudly passionate trysts that the whole castle knew about, thanks to Eren's noisiness– he was far more intent on saving his family jewels than seeing whatever he was supposed to see. So when the firm grip on his collar was finally released, the first thing Levi did was scramble to his feet and prepare himself to make a mad dash back into the castle's slightly-warmer air.

Fortunately for Hangë and unfortunately for Levi, though, his grey eyes caught upon a disturbing image and his body turned to look at it before his mind could stop him. However, what had kept his gaze firmly trained upon the monstrosity before him was not the strange rubbish-bag perched atop the titans' head or the gaudy birthday message scrawled across its distended belly, or even the grotesque paint splattered across its face like a horrific aping of make-up. No, what held his horrified gaze…

…was the giant inflatable dick jutting out from between the titan's stunted legs.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"Hangë," Levi hissed through his thinned lips, which were already threatening to turn pale blue from the freezing winter winds buffeting his shivering form, "would you care to explain why your fucking titan has an inflatable _dick_ strapped to his belly?!"

Despite the fact that Eren had rushed over as soon as he'd spotted Levi's miserably hunched form and gladly relinquished his coat to his superior officer, Levi continued to put all Grumpy Cats to shame with his petulant (and half-frozen) expression. The few people that were assembled near the annoyed-looking titan and the equally-annoyed-looking Lance Corporal –because, for some weird reason, Hangë had actually been telling the truth about eating breakfast outside– were alternating between awkward coughs to disguise their laughter and the occasional sneeze from the cold, but Levi didn't notice any of their peculiar mannerisms. Fortunately for them, Levi's attention was too fixated upon the dismayed thing before him to care for the noisy imbeciles situated in his periphery.

"What, do you not like our present?" Hangë pouted coquettishly at Levi's palpable disapproval, much to the latter's exasperation, and continued to blabber out their usual nonsense. "And to think that Eren and I went through such trouble to beautify Minion for you on this special day…"

It took around two seconds for Hangë's words to sink in but, by the time Levi understood the implications of them, he rounded upon Eren so fiercely that the brown-haired soldier took an involuntary step backwards from his innate desire to live past his teenage years. However, it only took an icy glare from Levi's steely eyes for Eren to place his foot back down and physically stop himself from taking another step back.

"Eren, I hope you've got a fucking good explanation for Hangë's shit right now." The venom in Levi's tone made all the blood drain from Eren's pale face, but his expression would've been rosy compared to what it looked like after Levi's next words. "After all, I'd _hate_ to see your rigid corpse become Minion's new attachable dick… if you get what I mean."

"It's not as bad as it looks, Heichou… I swear!" Eren squeaked, but he practically tripped over his next words when the murderous glint in Levi's eyes became even more pronounced. "Here, just take this blade and stab the dick—"

"Brat, did it look like I fucking stuttered to you?" Levi growled, effectively cutting off any more of Eren's flustered words. "I asked for an explanation for all this shit, not an invitation to join your stupid game with Minion over there."

"I'm not asking you to!" Eren retorted in a rare moment of public defiance against Levi, and the onlookers nearly shat themselves at the black expression that'd been slapped onto Levi's face. "You're missing out on so much if you—"

"Look, you shitty little brat," Levi huffed exasperatedly, "does it look like I _care_?"

It seemed like Eren couldn't take hints, if the insistent determination shining in his eyes was any indication of his resolve. Unfortunately for him, though, Levi was quite comfortably acquainted with the notion of getting his own way.

And so it was that, with a petulant sigh, Eren broke his staring contest with Levi and marched up to the restrained titan…

…before he plunged his sword into the inflatable dick, watched it burst, and was promptly showered with cleaning products.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Erwin's room was in the perfect position in the castle.

Situated away from everyone's living quarters, with a good view of the courtyard and the landscape surrounding its stony confines, it took a long trek to climb up to his quarters and it was because of this that he would rarely be disturbed. There were times when it would become tiring to walk up and down the stairs to attend to his meals or go about his official business, but the solitude was nice for observing everyone when they were outside or for getting a good night's sleep; Erwin could still remember the times when he had to share a room with Nile and he still got shivers down his spine from remembering the rather vocal noises that he made during his wet dreams.

So when he woke up to the sight of a rather overdressed titan by the unfortunate name of Minion on Christmas morning, Erwin was, for a lack of other words, amused. Clearly, Hangë had taken that drunken bet too seriously when he'd gone drinking with them the night before.

Even from his lofty position high up in the castle, it was evident to Erwin that Levi was less than impressed with the 'thoughtful' birthday present that he faintly heard Hangë screaming about way down below. There was no way that the resident grouch would ever smile at a gaudily-dressed titan, no matter how grotesquely comical it was, and there was no way that Hangë could win their misplaced bet with the weird sense of humour that they had anyway. It was hard enough to get Levi to smile as it was, but to make him _laugh_?

It would be a cold day in hell when Levi allowed any genuinely happy noise to seep out of his mouth.

The cleaning products was a nice touch –though he wouldn't want to be in Eren's place when that mop handle whacked him across his nose and sent him tumbling to the ground amidst a shower of flannel cloths– but they did nothing to improve Levi's chances of freezing hell over, as far as Erwin was concerned. His faintly-shaking shoulders were probably from suppressed anger or the cold in any case, and the way that everyone capable of movement was backing away from him was, in his eyes, just another indication of Levi's horrendously bad mood right about now.

…So when a clear peal of laughter sliced through the air, Erwin almost fell over from his position against the window.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"He _laughed_! I knew he would!" Hangë was still crowing over their victory over their third cup of tea, even though their shouting meant that the visible palm-print on their face stung with every word. "You should've seen his face when Eren struggled upwards with that mop on his head and then got swatted by that giant inflatable dick when he wandered too close to it!"

"I saw enough from my window, that's for sure." Erwin amusedly replied as he nodded to said window and went back to sipping his own cup of tea. "I didn't imagine that Levi would laugh from something so seemingly trivial, but…"

He shrugged diffidently while Hangë launched into some other topic, before he glanced down to his feet and muttered to himself.

"…I wonder if hell is freezing over right now…"

However, when Hangë paused in their ranting and asked Erwin what he'd said, he simply shrugged again and smiled strangely, before he sipped at his tea again.

Who knew titans with giant inflatable dicks could do what he couldn't…


End file.
